no one was around when oscar wilde died but he's laughing now

It hurts to see how broken down you are on the insides, but we're mirror images and nothing is more comforting then a reflection of yourself in somebody you love. I have an (head)ache for you and only you. Happybirthday kid.

cutting through backyards only to collapse into conversations about the prison cell "God kid you've really got it rough in there. stay here. we've got enough distance already." i disappear because my head is full (but my eyes are empty) and there is only one heartbeat made specifically to understand it. it would be over if they didn't tune in.

i've got a scrapbook of ideas. take a picture and glue it in or rip one in half and tape one side to your mirror.

letspretendsummerdied
andthisyearisjustanafterlife

a little causalgia, a bit more dysgraphia

last summer all i could do to keep myself alive was lay in bed. i can count the changes that have happened since then on one hand. we can sit here forever in silence because we both want to say the same thing to eachother but neither of us can do it. the world doesn't fit me. sometimes i need to hear you say "everything is okay. you are safe." but all i can do is put my hand between an aching head and an aching world and hope that soon the tides will change forever and we will all be washed ashore. this ship was meant to sink.

"i want to show you all of my jealousy and insecurity and have you not care."

a beacon of light in the pall of the blight (dedication number one with a bullet)

I know my eyes aren’t that pretty or anything special but I guess I thought you might fall in love with the way I laugh or how I’m always telling a story.

xo

like you, like an arsonist

i am usually one for love, not hate, but can i get a rain check on that? for someone who has never apologized to me, you sure are good at acting like everythings okay. red eyes and blue fingers. didnt you see? youve gutted me from the bottom up. built me down, not up. reasons: counting would remind me of times ive tried counting the grains in the bathroom tile, how impossible it is. lets agree on some ridiculous number. a gazillion. apologies: exactly none. ive forgiven you, in my mind (but i've made a lot of mistakes, in my mind.) wasted every 11:11 wishing you would stay. please let me down and disappear forever, disappointment has always been your thing. (it's a thing i could learn to depend on)

"butterflies
tiredeyes"

"i have affection imprinted deep inside my head. its why am always on the verge of love or giving up." in the words of a hero

all i've got in this world is a match and a madness, a list of escuses, and a head full of problems. i've got good news for people who love bad news. we were born in the flame of this riot on an empty street. you blend in with the pavement when i see you walking away. face down in the gravel i address my periphery like your letters. i marked 'em return to sender. only want to see what i've got to see. left side; mailboxes like giants lined along the curb. seems like a good place to rest my head, while i wonder where you're resting yours. right side. cars parked colored black, blue, yellow. liar. license plates and places i don't recognize. they don't remind me of home, but don't remind me. street signs and addresses aren't calling my name. they operate me, they remind me. stand up turn right. the number 3 followed by zero i know where i am. where are you. front doors always locked. get inside up the stairs. the wallpaper is red and white. the carpet is expensive, the laundry chute is noisey. five rooms. you and me are in every one. i pull out my list of memories/escuses in the dark, it lands at your feet. blue eyed, black smudged inside. the single heartbeat in this town whose palpitations keep me up at night.

peel me off the pavement, you've defeated me senseless.

if scaring is the only way to get you to me, i'll do it.
it won't be hard.

i should get a deal with visine

if they wrote a book called "how to fuck up in every imaginable aspect" there would be some copyright issues to be addressed. mistakes are mapped out on my insides. my veins will always be blue. i owe a list of apologies to each one. i'm tired. but not like a joke. like how a dog feels in the pound when he sees all the people walking by his cage, year after year. i've run out of "i'm sorrys". theres a difference between giving up and being given up on but facedown on the floor, salty eyed i can't see it. i will edit this tomorrow. sunlight makes me regret.

ifeellikeapunchintheface

(good)night

3eb

"take the moment of hope and let it run...cause i believe that we are lucky we are golden..."

i don’t know anything right now. i don’t have any blood in my brain.

i've skimmed through the thousands of pages they have written about my insides, and i still haven't figured it out. i wonder at the way our bodies can be drawn flat in a book with blue and red lines.

inspiredbyyou

likealways

These rooms are filled with questions and it's almost stifling.

What it feels like to love, lose, never forget..

His fingers were tangled in your hair and he was twisting a small section as he let words fall between his red lips, down to your ears and into you. He retraced each feeling you had when you had first spotted him on the street, singing the exact same words he is now. He wilted every fear, and every doubt about you and him, with the reassurance of his voice, and calmness that it possessed as it glided through your bedroom, and down through the hallway, echoing from wall to wall.
...
You spend the night tossing and turning, trying to figure out why you said what you said and how to fix it all. Sometimes people say “Things will look brighter in the morning.” You don’t really believe them. You woke up this morning and everything looked the same as it had yesterday. Actually it looked darker, as you walked into the kitchen and looked out the window and he wasn’t there.
...
You’re nervous. You’re on his porch and you’re nervous. You’re ringing the bell and you’re even more nervous. He comes to the door, and you think that’s a good thing because he doesn’t look like he would have come if it was someone besides you. He looks tired; like he didn’t sleep well either, but more then that he looks mad. He steps out onto the porch, and you’re about to say something even though you don’t know what to say, you’ve spent the last day thinking about this constantly and you still don’t know what to say. You don’t get the chance to say something though, you’re stopped. You’re stopped by his fist connecting with your eye, stopped by hitting the ground hard. You lay there, dazed, wincing, stunned. When you finally do open your eyes, or at least the one that does open right now, he’s gone. You still want to talk to him, you want to know what the hell that was.

"i miss you so much it hurts to think about."

ifallasleepinthedark.
(these past nights I've actually fallen asleep I've had so many dreams about you and I'm so happy in them. Then I wake up and experience that two seconds after the dream, where I'm still convinced it's all real. But it's not...)
soifallbackin.

Exaltation in a shower of freezing water. 3 AM. (Set the stage, I’m ready)

I didn’t choose this role, but I’m going to make it sincere. I try to make people believe that I'm better than I am, but really I'm no better than you. When she isn't wearing makeup you can see her flaws almost as easily as you can see she's hurting on the inside. the time for sleep is now, it's nothing to cry about.I haven't slept for three nights. I didn't have trouble sleeping, I really have been awake for the past four days. But my mind is still as fast as the matrix. Quick to think. Think about you. Bright face, black smile I can't change that. You should make a U turn and go back to who you were. "this isnt like you, you're a good person." I'm a good person on the outside. I'm not saying the person you're always around isn't me. That is me. But there's a cancer that eats away at my thoughts. Makes me think things that I dont want to think. A demon that tries it's best to disgust me, scare me, hate me...it hates me so much. Everything I dont want to think, it thinks. It's the exact opposite. Like how Sirius is the brightest star in the universe but you can see it best during the winter months. Those months we almost didn't make through. alison, go to sleep. Rest your head. Even the words that have concreted you in and the walls of thoughts that have trapped you need a personal day. Conversations with myself keep playing in my head. (I'm screenwriting an escape) Close your eyes. Your dreams miss you.

dontignoremeimalivetoo

Why are secrets the things you tell when you want someone to trust you more?

...Somehow they're suppose to think you're trustworthy when you betray your own mind. (you show me yours, I'll show you mine)

none of that makes sense because the words left as soon as they got here
but when they come back
they always do
they'll be laughing
they'll be laughing

You’d make a great secret
if I could keep you.

It's like looking at the gas meter and it’s way past empty but you know that you’ve still got ten more miles left.

"be who you are
nothing more nothing less
let the beauty that you love
be the very best
sing praises to the highest
with your feet on the ground
and reach for your brother
with the words that you sound
Don't let mistakes be so monumental
don't let your love be so confidential
don't let your mind be so darn judgmental
please let your heart be more influential
be thankful for all that the spirit provides
be thankful for all that you see without eyes
give thanks to the music that keeps us alive."

"How's life?"
its a dream, let me sleep on it.
and i did.
i woke up and have done nothing but spiral down in a world that feels no more awake than the next.

ibrokemyrightarmfallingforyou

I've got a thing with confrontation (just like how you have a thing for liars)

Peel back my skin and they'll reveal something no one and everyone is waiting to see.
Like open heart surgery. (it's not as gruesome as it sounds)
Just look.
It's not broken.
It's just a ball of raw feelings.
Pass the scalpel.
Pour the butane, it's supposed to burn.
Sew the stitches, we've done all we could do.
Now all we can do is wait.

Sorry means you won't ever do it again. You can thank your lucky stars that no one ever uses the word sorry for what it's worth.

helpmebecomesomebodyelse

It's like waking up with a word on your tongue, and while you remember what the word means, you don't remember exactly what word it is.

I hate the feeling of waking up and not immediately knowing where I am. It's like how some physicists say that an object exists in every possible state of being until it is observed, only in this case I could be anywhere-- anywhere-- until I actually recognize something. A chair in the corner, or maybe the lamp next to the bed. Maybe the smell of the sheets or the way the lights slanted through the windows. Sensory clues to where I might be in space and time eventually lock me into a location. But that takes time, and while I am generally a patient girl, I am also a nervous girl.

Untitled

Rambles:

tues july 19th 2005
raise bottle.

chapped lips
pupils moving
concentrate
drips
my free hand

lower bottle.

tues february 14th 2006

You aren’t a hazy mess in the distance anymore,

but your expression us just as vague as before under all the resolve.

wed april 26th 2006
The dashboard still reads 11:21.
I remember I had fumbled with it a while back,
but had decided not to change the digits.
It doesn’t matter anyway because the sun is orange now
and you’re still driving.

thurs may 4th 2006
Rise to your knees
Tucked hair behind ear
Lowered hand
Grasping seat
Blink
Blink
The sky is gray
The light disappears.

mon july 10th 2006
blink
expression unreadable
lips vaguely red like cherries in the summer,
little pants escaping them.

I could use a hero right now and you could use someone to save. (Someone like me.)

I remembered what you told me last night (and I know.)

"Don't let anyone ever be your other half. Be you. Only you. Cause one day that person will leave. They always do. And what will you be left with? Half. Exactly. Don't bet it all on anyone, ever, except yourself."

Sometimes I love you(r mind).

a fatal attempt at running away from those thoughts (read this the way only you'd like to see it)

i'm sleeping tonite with all the wolves

while dreaming of life that's better planned

as long as the wind that falls isn't longing for revenge

i should be safe

we should be safe

i'm about one and a half missed opportunities away from throwing in the towel and calling it a day for good

i've been taking it one day at a time but they've all added up

and it's been one year six months

full of meaningless days

thoughtless sleepless nights

tried reading the paper today

thought i'd find something more miserable

turns out theres a sale on broken hearts

youre cheaper than i thought

My biggest mistake. I let her go when she said she was leaving.

I know I haven’t told you any of this before but I thought you deserved to know.

You’re the only person that makes me want to wake up in the morning and the last person I want to talk to or think about before I fall asleep at night. Our world is crazy. But put aside all the heartaches, heartbreaks, headaches, and you’re still you. The one who when I think about I think that things aren’t so bad. You make me have hope for the rest of the world. I have so many other things to worry about besides not having you, but if I did have you, the others would be so much more beatable. You make me want to be the best person I could be. You've made the journey towards becoming the person I dream about being look so much shorter. Don’t ever let me forget it.

It’s gotten to the point where today I thought about what I would do if I ever were diagnosed with a terminal disease. First I thought of the lists of apologies I owe to you and too many other people. It’s sad it would take that much. That’s the biggest kick in the ass I could think of and probably the only efficient one. That makes me want to speak up even more. I’ll be on my deathbed and they’ll what my favorite part was. I’ll tell them it was you. A year and a half ago I made a decision that I wasn't going to need anybody anymore. I wasted all the time from then on until now, that way. And I know I'm late and I know I don't deserve it, but I need you. I love you. I haven’t lived a single day without you. Without thoughts of you. You are my love, life, lungs…and we all know I can’t live without those.

I can see myself, 60 years from now in a rocking chair on the front porch of a house I almost recognize, telling my grandchildren about the first day of my life. “I was seven years old when I met the girl who made my life the best it could ever be. When you love someone with all of your heart, it never disappears. Remember that.”

letyourheartguideyou.
itwhisperssolistencarefully.