mad a(bou)t you

You are always asking me why. Here's your answer.
It's like when little kids are at the beach and they insist on digging a giant hole in the sand and try to fill it with water. They are yards away from the entire ocean they could be swimming in, but they always do it. Why? Because they can.

Sometimes I don't like to explain myself. Sometimes things just are. No rhyme or reason. There is not a lot I feel obliged to talk about. What I write may not be what you expect but give me a break. I'm like Bach except just another faceless, nameless person with the same psycho-emotional imbalances. He was a mad man. A piece of work or a work of art. You want answers, but this is all I have. You breath down my neck like a fucking ghost sometimes - you expect more than there is. Somethings go beyond these words, others don't but you pounce anyways, come up short. "Theres gotta be some medicine for your disease." Words flash black against white: DANGER DANGER. Flashes in your mind like morse code signals from a row boat in the dead sea, only nobodys looking.

You hear the best/worst things when they don't think you're listening. You go from talking about the songs you like to how one reminds you of me. (are those on the same list even?) Fucking lovely. Maybe I should just hold the backspace key down til this is nothing but blank and copy and paste some generic lyrics that sing you to sleep before you dream about me in here instead.

Sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake
laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way
it is late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones
you stand near the sink
while you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again
stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow
calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop
break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you
and your parents noticed your thinning face,
all the weight you lost
all the weight you are losing
you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget
as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
and light you never had to look for it
but now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
before the ice melts away
this feeling used to pass
but seems like it's every day and every night now

Can't stop itching these eyes. Just another bad habit I've gotta break.
Pupils dialated to kingsized whirlpools. Drop below sea level. Don't wanna see whats going on. Don't want to witness another public execution.

I'll get by on fake sleep for now.

It's 15 blinks past 4 don't you dare try to sleep.